This is my third pregnancy and I recently noticed that every time I reach the middle of my second trimester and all throughout the third, it’s like I’m on “clean-up, fix-all turbo mode”. I don’t know if the hormones has something to do with it or if it even has any direct connection to my physical state, but it happens every time. All of a sudden, I’m turning over every nook and cranny of our house, getting rid of unwanted things, rearranging photos and art, repairing broken belongings, and right now, I’m even sewing and potting plants! I remember the night before my first child, Summer, was born, I, with my bursting belly, was hunkered down a very low shelf organizing piles of books and dvds. I woke up the next morning with a sore back and was already in labor!
I find it a little crazy, actually, because I’m never running out of things to do these days. But then, I also really like the outcome. My house feels neater and much less cluttered. I like what I see around me. I’m never bored and go to bed each night feeling very accomplished. Also, my husband is quite pleased.
Now that I’m really thinking about it, it could also be a psychological thing. Perhaps I feel the need to get all these things done because I know that my life will change yet again once the new baby arrives. Maybe subconsciously, I’m preparing myself for another fresh start, a whole new chapter, and I just have to make sure the slate is wiped completely clean and things are in proper order.
I imagine a hen or a mommy bird preparing its nest, pushing and shoving every twig and dried leaf to its proper place, feeling the perfect spot, warm and snug enough to lay its egg.
All of this careful and busy preparation could also be a reflection of what’s really going on inside of me, in my heart.
I want to mother this child the best way I can. I want to be free of all fears and emotional baggage. I want to rid myself of all that is negative. I want to be a better version of myself when she arrives. I want to be ready.
But how do you really prepare for it? How do you make sure you are prepared in every possible way as a mother?
Like I said, I’ve been through this twice before and I don’t think becoming a mother is a thing that can be mastered. We do and learn what we can, but it’s never exactly the same way each time. We only learn to properly care for a child as we get to know her. And as the child grows, we find ourselves growing as well. There’s just no 1-2-3 or four year course. As long as we are mothers, we are learning how to mother.
I highly doubt I’ll ever be the ideal, perfect, super mom for this new baby or for my two other daughters. Much less transform into a completely new person in time for her birth. It’s a daily journey and I’ve only just begun.
However so, I resolve to do my best. Yes, I’m going to keep organizing my shelves and sorting clothes and toys because that’s just what I’m driven to do right now. I will also keep working on building a good character at home – treating my children with respect, love and care; letting go of my fears and insecurities; working on becoming a more grateful and positive person. And at the same time, I will rest my heart in the fact that there’s just no way to be 101 percent prepared.
I already love this little girl whom I have only really seen blurry in black and white and I believe that that love and the love my family has for her and for one another will be the perfect nesting place for her when she finally arrives.